10 things I am greatful for today...

1. I am thankful that the new girl I got in my class is polite and sweet.

2. I am thankful that I got to talk to my fiance for a while before he had to go into work tonight.

3. I am thankful that God stopped the thunderstorms last night and I was able to get a few hours of sleep.

4. I am thankful that the thunderstorms didn't turn into tornados.

5. I am thankful that even though I didn't want to, God helped me to eat a healthy dinner, rather than binge.

6. I am thankful for the sweet text my fiance sent me that said, "I really love u!"

7. I am thankful that this is a 3 day week with the students and 2 inservice days, and 2 dress down days!

8. I am thankful for a wonderful mother-in-law to be. She shows me that she loves me often.

9. I am thankful that tonight is the last night of "night float" for my finace and tomorrow he'll be back to working days.

10. I am thankful for the presence of God I felt today! I'm off to spend time with Him now!

What am I thankful for today?

Today I am thankful for so many things...here are 10.

1. I am thankful for having my fiance in my life. He makes me laugh, feel, and love like I NEVER have before and I LOVE that I get choked up when expressing my feelings for him, because they are so deep. (We were at Engagement Encounter all weekend and I cried multiple times out of pure love and joy!!! It was the greatest feelings I have ever felt!)

2. I am thankful for knowing God! I am thankful that God revealed himself to me so clearly about 9 years ago and has remained so clear since.

3. I am thankful God is so loving and amazing. I want to tap into that love more. Today I realized that EVERY moment of EVERY day, God's love for me is overflowing and I rarely take time to experience it. It's time!

4. I am thankful that God reveals areas in my life that He needs and wants to heal. Today, He revealed my insecurity and how that affects my relationships and other areas of my life, the life He has blessed me with. I am offering that up to God to heal and asking that He help me find my security in Him!

5. That brings me to this... I am so thankful that God offers us security! He is all knowing, all powerful, and so loving and merciful! God will protect us, love us, care for us and take care of us. He will mend our hurts, celebrate in our joys, and provide for all of our needs- emotional needs included!

6. I am thankful for summer. With all this cold weather and snow, I am remembering how much I love and appreciate summer, warm weather, and sunshine!

7. I am thankful for a knowledge of nutrition and health. I thank God for blessing me with this knowledge and I ask that He help me use the knowledge to take care of the body that He has given to me, to be His vessel!

8. I am thankful for people who are followers of God. They offer such insight and support as we walk together through life striving to live for God!

9. I am thankful for the time that my fiance and I have together, doing daily readings, praying, and doing daily devotions. I am so thankful that we both love God so much!

10. I am thankful for the Engagement Encounter weekend my fiance and I had together. Some parts were tough and I noticed fear crept in...fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of getting hurt. But, I am thankful that my fiance and I had that time to share our deepest thoughts and feelings with each other. I am thankful that we learned more about each other. I am thankful that we were given guidance and resources to help us build a strong marriage and most of all, I am thankful that God will be the foundation of our marriage and that God's plan for marriage is so beautiful and lifegiving!!!

Do I live through others?

As I went to make a post, I thought...nah! I don't need to write, I read other people's blogs...and a heck of a lot of them at that. BUT...then I thought....Wait a minute. I avoid my own thoughts/feelings and instead read lots of other people's blogs. Ouch! Did God just give me a love tap with a 2 X 4? Wait...do I really do this? Yes. I do. I spend countless hours each day reading other people's blogs. I do it because I do enjoy reading them. But, it also takes up a lot of time that I could be thinking and feeling my own thoughts and feelings. Likewise, I think I live vicariously through other people's blogs. I don't want to sound like a weirdo stalker, but I follow blogs pretty closely (guess I have a lot of thoughts/feelings to avoid). I "live through them" going on vacations, getting married, having babies, training for and running marathons, eating things I don't let myself eat (unless it's during a planned binge), etc.

I am actually glad that I just became aware of this. Because I have a GREAT life of my own and I haven't been fully living it. Of course, like everyone else, there are parts of life that just plain stink-o-rino (like fiance working 12 hour nights this month and being super duper tired from lack of sleep...poor guy!), but overall, I have soooo many wonderful things in my life. I want to start living. I want to start experiencing life. Not "the world" per say, but real, true, life that God gave me and wants me to live EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

So, for the next 30 days, I am going to have the kick off to "Live your life challenge". I am also going to start a 30 day, "I am thankful for life" challenge. Each day, I will focus on being in the present moment and living my life THAT DAY (not the past and not too much in the future...with the obvious wedding prep and excitement of course :)) and I will end each day with a list of 10 things I am greatful for that day.

Today, I am greatful for...
1. God and the AMAZING life he offers each and everyone of us.
2. Fiance ~ He's the funniest, sweetest, most caring, hardworking person I have ever met and he loves and cares for me so much.
3. Job interview tomorrow ~ prayers that it goes well and I am able to show them a glimpse of God (fyi that's another goal to show people God, because He is AMAZING!)
4. Water. It tastes so good when I'm super thirsty and makes me feel refreshed.
5. My sister ~ she's always stuck by me and understands me the most, out of all my family members.
6. Desire to stop binge eating.
7. God's promise that no temptation is too great to overtake us, who belong to Him, and make us give into it.
8. My Aunt Cheryl ~ I need to reconnect with her, but she's like a twin of me and I can tell her anything.
9. Fiance's family ~ They have welcomed me into their family and treat me with great love!
10. Cody and Ashley ~ They are the cutest, sweetest kids and always make me smile.

Holy cow! Where have the past 10 months gone? I can't believe that I started this blog nearly a year ago. I know that I only posted a few entries, within a couple of days of each other and then **POOF** I stopped, but I have very good reasons!

In the past 10 months, A LOT has happened in my life. I will give a very quick and brief recap, which I may/may not elaborate on in the near/distant future.

August 2009- Started my 5th year as a kindergarten teacher and celebrated my 1 year anniversary with Wonderful Boyfriend!!! **Swooooooon**

September 2009- I experienced the WORST day of my life. On September 25, 2009, my 24 year old brother decided that the only way to end the emmense pain he was feeling was to end his life and he commited suicide. The last days of September and much of the 3 months following were so full of sadness, anger, grief, questions, etc.

October 2009- I started RCIA classes to learn more about the Catholic faith.

November 2009- Celebrated the first Thanksgiving without Best Younger Brother.

December 2009- Had the best Christmas ever with Wonderful Boyfriend despite missin Best Younger Brother.

January 2010- Celebrated New Years with Wonderful Boyfriend and he told me that we have A LOT to look forward to this year...could it be?!?!...YEP!!!! :)

February 2010- Celebrated 1 and 1/2 year anniversary with Wonderful Boyfriend. :)

March 2010- Turned 29 years old....eeeek!

April 2010- Was confirmed and became Catholic.

May 2010- Graduated with a Master's degree.

It's been a tragic, sad, happy, exciting, wonderful, worst past 10 months. I have to confess that during the past 10 months, much of the time I have been bingeing, and I don't mean eating past the point of comfort. I mean stuffing myself with food to get that high...and I have noticed that since I first started bingeing, it now takes more and more food to get that high. That's becauce bingeing only provides a very short lived high...so how can I get a lasting high, peace, joy, etc....you guessed it...GOD!!! And, I want to make a recommitment to do that now! Today! Not tomorrow...NOW!!! I confess that I binged last night on 2 pints of ice cream and 4 candy bars, all because I wanted that high and that comfort that I always get from allowing myself to binge. But, today is a new day. I had a healthy balanced breakfast and lunch and I even ran 3 miles. I almost just typed "but I am not a runner." But, you know what, that's a very negative thing to say, being that I conquered 3 miles. So, instead I am going to say, "I am becoming a runner!"

Oh yeah, I would also like to note that while I was in therapy a looooong time ago, I stopped going after I left Renfrew. But, after my brother died, I knew that whether I felt like it was going to affect my life, it would...maybe only subconciously now, but it would. And, I didn't want to develop issues that would affect me, Wonderful Boyfriend, and our future family years down the road. So, I started going to therapy again. We have worked a lot on grief and last week, we decided it's time to start working on self esteem. My assignment...make a list of positive qualities. So, I will be posting that shortly. Ultimately, I think I need God esteem. Knowing who God created me to be, knowing God, knowing God's power, knowing God's love and knowing that God will always protect, love and sustain me!

Challenging Those Thoughts

Here are some thoughts that I had last night (from my post) and right now, I am going to try out this "challenging our thoughts" technique that I once learned.

1. "What if this doesn't work out?"- It may workout and it may not workout. I cannot control
that and my bingeing will not control that. What I can control is how I cherish the time that I
do have with Wonderful Boyfriend. I can choose to enjoy the time that we have together,
rather than worrying about if it will one day end.

2. "What if I end up getting hurt in the end because I would be CRUSHED?" I would be crushed.
That's true because I love Wonderful Boyfriend so much. God never promised that this life
wouldn't be full of pain and sorrow, but He did promise that it would never be more than we
could bear. And, he also promised to bless us!- Wonderful Boyfriend is a blessing to my life.

3. "I am not pretty enough!" and "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is prettier!"-
Was made in God's image. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. Those who love God can
see the beauty God has created. It is not just an outward beauty, for those things will fade in
time. It is an inward beauty, an expression of God, that will last a lifetime.

4. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who isn't so indecisive."- Wonderful Boyfriend loves
me. Everyone is indecisive sometimes. It takes practice to be decisive and I am practicing
that. Progress- not perfection is what it is all about. With God, it will be easier to make
decisions. The eating disorder keeps you in indecisiveness, because the eating disorder
causes you to panic and choose only what will allow you to engage in eating disorder behavior.
You are at odds with yourself a lot of the time, no wonder it's hard to make decisions. As you
continue to say yes to God and no to the eating disorder, you will be able to make decisions
more easily.

5. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is smarter."- Yes, there is a lot of things that I
do not know much about, but that is because I have chosen not to learn them. For example, I
do not know how to peform brain surgery. However, I have not spent the past 8 years of my
life studying to be a surgeon. On the other hand, there is a lot of stuff that I do know. I have
the capability to learn anything I want to learn. All I need to do is, take time to study it and
practice it.

6. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who has a better job."- I have a hard job. Sure,
many people may not think that teaching 15-20 five year olds is hard, but it is. They are co-
dependent and extremely needy. Since I work in an inner city school, when they come to me,
they not only need to learn academics, but I need to teach them social, emotional, and
physical skills as well. In addition to being their teacher, I need to also be their guidance
counselor, nurse, and parent. Sure, I get off 2 and 1/2 months in the summer, but I put in my
time during the year.

7. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is more positive."- Anyone can learn to become
more positive. I am not always negative. I can't pretend I am happy when I am not. I can't
pretend i'm not mad or disappointed when I am. When I am happy, I am happy and I share
that. But, if this is something that I want to change for me...I can.

8. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who doesn't have food issues."- If I think about this,
I would venture to guess that most people in the world have "food issues". I am proud that I
am choosing to work on mine. I know that with the power of God, I can overcome my food
issues. Plus, Wonderful Boyfriend loves me for me, not what I eat!

9. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who doesn't get sad."- I am just going to flat out say
it on this one. That's CRAP-O-LA! Everyone, yes EVERYONE gets sad. And, if they don't
appear to ever get sad, they have to be putting on a front. And, I don't want to be fake. Life is
full of sorrow. Over the past few months, I have had plenty of things to be sad about, like
brother almost dying in a car accident, family threatening suicide, sister saying cruel things
about me when I am in the next room and can hear everything she says, Wonderful Boyfriend
spending 96 hours/week at work. I can be sad! But, I don't have to binge in an attempt to feel
better.

10. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who isn't so "needy".- God designed men and
women to need each other. He designed us for companionship and to need helpers. God
designed us, above all, to need Him. I need God in my life and I enjoy having Wonderful
Boyfriend to be my love, companion, and helper. That's okay!

11. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who has a better body."- I would like to say what
made this and the needing to be prettier comment surface. While at the movies, there were
many young, beautiful girls/women, and I noticed that Wonderful Boyfriend was looking at
them. It made me feel this way.- First, I don't know that Wondeful Boyfriend was looking at
them thinking that he wished he was with them or that I was as pretty as they were.
Perhaps, he was just looking around, like everyone does. What I do know is that I have a body
that God made. It's strong and it helps me live life. I need to take care of this body God has
given to me. I am proud that for the past 2 weeks, I have been strength training, to make my
body even stronger and function the best that it can. I will continue to treat my body to
regular exercise so that it's the best it can be- not for vanity but for health.

12. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is on the same time table as him."- Wondeful
Boyfriend knows that I want to marry him. Yes, I would marry him right now. I have been
working for 5 years, I am 28 years old, I know what I want in life, etc. Wonderful Boyfriend
tells me that he wants to marry me, but he JUST started his Residency program. The intern
year, this year (July-July 2010) will be the "worst year of his life" in terms of his career.
Right now, he has to focus on work. It's not that he doesn't want to marry me, or have me in
his future. It's just, he has to focus on work right now.

13. "Bingeing will make me feel so much better."- I'm not going to lie Yes, right at this very
moment, bingeing would make me feel so much better. But, it won't solve anything. It won't
make the thoughts or feelings go away for more than a very short time. When the binge is
over, and my stomach empties, I will feel all of the feelings again and have all of the thoughts.
History has proven this. I need to start trying other methods. For if I don't, I will live the
same life I have been living, one in which I don't know how to deal with thoughts and feelings,
instead I just binge. That's not what God wants!

I am going to confess, I WANTED (very, very, very badly) to eat a late breakfast, skip lunch, and have an early afternoon binge. But, I made myself eat breakfast. For a few minutes, I was actually arguing with myself in my mind. Sounds creepy huh? But, let me share. It went a little something like this.
B.M. (Bing Monster)- Good morning KT. It's going to be awesome. Today, you get to BINGE!
KT (Me)- YAY!!!!- Wait a second....I promised the other day, just two days ago in fact, that I wasn't going to binge anymore.
B.M.- Oh yeah! But, two days ago, you wanted to stop bingeing, and now you don't. Now, you want to binge. So, just do it and then you probably won't want to anymore and THEN you can stop bingeing. So, this will def. be the last time.
KT- Right! But, I always say that "this" time will be the last time and it never is.
B.M.- True! But, you have to really want to stop doing it before you can. You can't just force yourself to stop. Isn't that what that intuitive eating stuff says too...honor your hunger....let yourself have what you want to have and do what you want to do????
KT- Well, I don't think that means plan binges. Plus, I read two days ago that honoring God is holy and that means honoring him with my body, mind, and spirit. I KNOW that bingeing is not pleasing to God.
B.M.- So what? It makes you feel better. Who else is going to make you feel better?
KT- I think that I may have to work on being okay with just not feeling great all of the time- instead of always running to bingeing to make me feel "full".
B.M.- whatever! But, remember there's ALWAYS time to binge later today if you want to.
KT- Bingeing is no longer a healthy option for me. There are plenty of healthier options like- calling KM or the other KT, going for a walk, reading a book or magazine, praying, going to the chapel, blogging, crying, watching a movie, journaling, sitting out on the deck, playing a game, catching up on emails, doing grad school work (a distraction, but NOT a fun one), making homemade cards...

So, I admit that part of me still really wants to binge today and I notice that part of me is telling myself, "Fine, fine, fine, don't binge today if you are really trying not to, but you can binge Wednesday b/c Wonderful Boyfriend has to work another crazy shift and it will soothe you then just the same.

I can see that I definiately use bingeing as an attempt to make myself feel better. I use it to make myself feel comforted, full, fulfilled, warm, to forget about being sad, scared, disappointed, anxious, nervous, mad...

To be honest, right now, it feels like there is nothing that will make me feel as good as bingeing does. I know that this is such a downer thing to talk about. I want to be a positive voice of recovery. But, I also want to be honest. And, right now these are the honest thoughts and feelings that I am having. On the other hand, I know that they are lies. It is NOT true that bingeing is the only thing in life that can make me feel good. That is a lie that I have believed for the past 5 years. I need to start believing other things. Such as, "There is nothing that can make me feel as good as choosing to live God's way!"- Maybe this shall be my new mantra. What do you think?

I am going to also spend some time challenging the negative thougths I was having last night.

Let's Try This "Digging Deeper" Thing Shall We?!?!

So... I just go home from a great "date night" with Wonderful Boyfriend. He picked me up at about 4:30pm. Then, we headed to church together and then dinner, and then to see the movie The Proposal, which is a great movie in my opinion. It's the second time I have paid over 8.00 to see it...so you know it's good when I am willing to do that (read: I can be a cheap skate when it comes to buying things that I don't really "NEED".). While watching the movie, I found myself thinking about food. I wasn't hungry, because we had just eaten dinner. So, what's the deal? Why was I thinking about food when I was "watching" a great movie and had the love of my life by my side? Let's try to break this down. I was feeling...lonely (because there were a million people in the theater and I wanted to be talking to him since I hadn't seen him in two days and I missed him like crazy the whole entire time.) I was feeling...sad (because I know that the date would end shortly and he would go back to his place since he has to be back to work at 8 am for another 14 hour shift and I won't see him again tomorrow.) I was feeling...scared (because I know, without a doubt, that I want to marry Wonderful Boyfriend, and the movie was about marriage so it triggered thoughts of being married, and I got scared. I started to think, what if this doesn't work out? What if I end up getting hurt in the end because I would be CRUSHED? Then, I started thinking, "I am not pretty enough, Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who isn't so indecisive, Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is prettier, smarter, has a better job, is more positive, doesn't have food issues, doesn't get sad, isn't so "needy", has a better body, is on the same time table as him, etc." On the way home, I was still having many of these thoughts. (Note: I know that Wonderful Boyfriend loves me with all of his heart...not sure where these thoughts come from.) When I got home, and Wonderful Boyfriend had to leave immediately, I was sad and you know what I wanted to do....you guessed it...I wanted to binge. And, I am going to admit, I still want to binge. But, I notice that I don't want to binge right now because I am not hungry and I know I ate all of my meals today. I want to plan for a binge tomorrow. I know that I won't be seeing Wonderful Boyfriend. Although I am going shopping tomorrow morning, I will be alone all night and that's when I want to do it. I want to sit in my room, alone, with the television, and just binge. I know exactly what I want to binge on too. I have thought of when and where I would go get the binge foods. Now all I have to do is NOT DO IT!!!! God, I need you! I need you to help me. Please, take away this strong desire and allow me to rely on your power NOT to binge.