Saturday, July 18, 2009
Let's Try This "Digging Deeper" Thing Shall We?!?!
So... I just go home from a great "date night" with Wonderful Boyfriend. He picked me up at about 4:30pm. Then, we headed to church together and then dinner, and then to see the movie The Proposal, which is a great movie in my opinion. It's the second time I have paid over 8.00 to see it...so you know it's good when I am willing to do that (read: I can be a cheap skate when it comes to buying things that I don't really "NEED".). While watching the movie, I found myself thinking about food. I wasn't hungry, because we had just eaten dinner. So, what's the deal? Why was I thinking about food when I was "watching" a great movie and had the love of my life by my side? Let's try to break this down. I was feeling...lonely (because there were a million people in the theater and I wanted to be talking to him since I hadn't seen him in two days and I missed him like crazy the whole entire time.) I was feeling...sad (because I know that the date would end shortly and he would go back to his place since he has to be back to work at 8 am for another 14 hour shift and I won't see him again tomorrow.) I was feeling...scared (because I know, without a doubt, that I want to marry Wonderful Boyfriend, and the movie was about marriage so it triggered thoughts of being married, and I got scared. I started to think, what if this doesn't work out? What if I end up getting hurt in the end because I would be CRUSHED? Then, I started thinking, "I am not pretty enough, Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who isn't so indecisive, Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is prettier, smarter, has a better job, is more positive, doesn't have food issues, doesn't get sad, isn't so "needy", has a better body, is on the same time table as him, etc." On the way home, I was still having many of these thoughts. (Note: I know that Wonderful Boyfriend loves me with all of his heart...not sure where these thoughts come from.) When I got home, and Wonderful Boyfriend had to leave immediately, I was sad and you know what I wanted to do....you guessed it...I wanted to binge. And, I am going to admit, I still want to binge. But, I notice that I don't want to binge right now because I am not hungry and I know I ate all of my meals today. I want to plan for a binge tomorrow. I know that I won't be seeing Wonderful Boyfriend. Although I am going shopping tomorrow morning, I will be alone all night and that's when I want to do it. I want to sit in my room, alone, with the television, and just binge. I know exactly what I want to binge on too. I have thought of when and where I would go get the binge foods. Now all I have to do is NOT DO IT!!!! God, I need you! I need you to help me. Please, take away this strong desire and allow me to rely on your power NOT to binge.