My Blog List

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Challenging Those Thoughts

Here are some thoughts that I had last night (from my post) and right now, I am going to try out this "challenging our thoughts" technique that I once learned.

1. "What if this doesn't work out?"- It may workout and it may not workout. I cannot control
that and my bingeing will not control that. What I can control is how I cherish the time that I
do have with Wonderful Boyfriend. I can choose to enjoy the time that we have together,
rather than worrying about if it will one day end.

2. "What if I end up getting hurt in the end because I would be CRUSHED?" I would be crushed.
That's true because I love Wonderful Boyfriend so much. God never promised that this life
wouldn't be full of pain and sorrow, but He did promise that it would never be more than we
could bear. And, he also promised to bless us!- Wonderful Boyfriend is a blessing to my life.

3. "I am not pretty enough!" and "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is prettier!"-
Was made in God's image. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. Those who love God can
see the beauty God has created. It is not just an outward beauty, for those things will fade in
time. It is an inward beauty, an expression of God, that will last a lifetime.

4. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who isn't so indecisive."- Wonderful Boyfriend loves
me. Everyone is indecisive sometimes. It takes practice to be decisive and I am practicing
that. Progress- not perfection is what it is all about. With God, it will be easier to make
decisions. The eating disorder keeps you in indecisiveness, because the eating disorder
causes you to panic and choose only what will allow you to engage in eating disorder behavior.
You are at odds with yourself a lot of the time, no wonder it's hard to make decisions. As you
continue to say yes to God and no to the eating disorder, you will be able to make decisions
more easily.

5. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is smarter."- Yes, there is a lot of things that I
do not know much about, but that is because I have chosen not to learn them. For example, I
do not know how to peform brain surgery. However, I have not spent the past 8 years of my
life studying to be a surgeon. On the other hand, there is a lot of stuff that I do know. I have
the capability to learn anything I want to learn. All I need to do is, take time to study it and
practice it.

6. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who has a better job."- I have a hard job. Sure,
many people may not think that teaching 15-20 five year olds is hard, but it is. They are co-
dependent and extremely needy. Since I work in an inner city school, when they come to me,
they not only need to learn academics, but I need to teach them social, emotional, and
physical skills as well. In addition to being their teacher, I need to also be their guidance
counselor, nurse, and parent. Sure, I get off 2 and 1/2 months in the summer, but I put in my
time during the year.

7. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is more positive."- Anyone can learn to become
more positive. I am not always negative. I can't pretend I am happy when I am not. I can't
pretend i'm not mad or disappointed when I am. When I am happy, I am happy and I share
that. But, if this is something that I want to change for me...I can.

8. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who doesn't have food issues."- If I think about this,
I would venture to guess that most people in the world have "food issues". I am proud that I
am choosing to work on mine. I know that with the power of God, I can overcome my food
issues. Plus, Wonderful Boyfriend loves me for me, not what I eat!

9. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who doesn't get sad."- I am just going to flat out say
it on this one. That's CRAP-O-LA! Everyone, yes EVERYONE gets sad. And, if they don't
appear to ever get sad, they have to be putting on a front. And, I don't want to be fake. Life is
full of sorrow. Over the past few months, I have had plenty of things to be sad about, like
brother almost dying in a car accident, family threatening suicide, sister saying cruel things
about me when I am in the next room and can hear everything she says, Wonderful Boyfriend
spending 96 hours/week at work. I can be sad! But, I don't have to binge in an attempt to feel

10. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who isn't so "needy".- God designed men and
women to need each other. He designed us for companionship and to need helpers. God
designed us, above all, to need Him. I need God in my life and I enjoy having Wonderful
Boyfriend to be my love, companion, and helper. That's okay!

11. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who has a better body."- I would like to say what
made this and the needing to be prettier comment surface. While at the movies, there were
many young, beautiful girls/women, and I noticed that Wonderful Boyfriend was looking at
them. It made me feel this way.- First, I don't know that Wondeful Boyfriend was looking at
them thinking that he wished he was with them or that I was as pretty as they were.
Perhaps, he was just looking around, like everyone does. What I do know is that I have a body
that God made. It's strong and it helps me live life. I need to take care of this body God has
given to me. I am proud that for the past 2 weeks, I have been strength training, to make my
body even stronger and function the best that it can. I will continue to treat my body to
regular exercise so that it's the best it can be- not for vanity but for health.

12. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is on the same time table as him."- Wondeful
Boyfriend knows that I want to marry him. Yes, I would marry him right now. I have been
working for 5 years, I am 28 years old, I know what I want in life, etc. Wonderful Boyfriend
tells me that he wants to marry me, but he JUST started his Residency program. The intern
year, this year (July-July 2010) will be the "worst year of his life" in terms of his career.
Right now, he has to focus on work. It's not that he doesn't want to marry me, or have me in
his future. It's just, he has to focus on work right now.

13. "Bingeing will make me feel so much better."- I'm not going to lie Yes, right at this very
moment, bingeing would make me feel so much better. But, it won't solve anything. It won't
make the thoughts or feelings go away for more than a very short time. When the binge is
over, and my stomach empties, I will feel all of the feelings again and have all of the thoughts.
History has proven this. I need to start trying other methods. For if I don't, I will live the
same life I have been living, one in which I don't know how to deal with thoughts and feelings,
instead I just binge. That's not what God wants!
I am going to confess, I WANTED (very, very, very badly) to eat a late breakfast, skip lunch, and have an early afternoon binge. But, I made myself eat breakfast. For a few minutes, I was actually arguing with myself in my mind. Sounds creepy huh? But, let me share. It went a little something like this.
B.M. (Bing Monster)- Good morning KT. It's going to be awesome. Today, you get to BINGE!
KT (Me)- YAY!!!!- Wait a second....I promised the other day, just two days ago in fact, that I wasn't going to binge anymore.
B.M.- Oh yeah! But, two days ago, you wanted to stop bingeing, and now you don't. Now, you want to binge. So, just do it and then you probably won't want to anymore and THEN you can stop bingeing. So, this will def. be the last time.
KT- Right! But, I always say that "this" time will be the last time and it never is.
B.M.- True! But, you have to really want to stop doing it before you can. You can't just force yourself to stop. Isn't that what that intuitive eating stuff says too...honor your hunger....let yourself have what you want to have and do what you want to do????
KT- Well, I don't think that means plan binges. Plus, I read two days ago that honoring God is holy and that means honoring him with my body, mind, and spirit. I KNOW that bingeing is not pleasing to God.
B.M.- So what? It makes you feel better. Who else is going to make you feel better?
KT- I think that I may have to work on being okay with just not feeling great all of the time- instead of always running to bingeing to make me feel "full".
B.M.- whatever! But, remember there's ALWAYS time to binge later today if you want to.
KT- Bingeing is no longer a healthy option for me. There are plenty of healthier options like- calling KM or the other KT, going for a walk, reading a book or magazine, praying, going to the chapel, blogging, crying, watching a movie, journaling, sitting out on the deck, playing a game, catching up on emails, doing grad school work (a distraction, but NOT a fun one), making homemade cards...

So, I admit that part of me still really wants to binge today and I notice that part of me is telling myself, "Fine, fine, fine, don't binge today if you are really trying not to, but you can binge Wednesday b/c Wonderful Boyfriend has to work another crazy shift and it will soothe you then just the same.

I can see that I definiately use bingeing as an attempt to make myself feel better. I use it to make myself feel comforted, full, fulfilled, warm, to forget about being sad, scared, disappointed, anxious, nervous, mad...

To be honest, right now, it feels like there is nothing that will make me feel as good as bingeing does. I know that this is such a downer thing to talk about. I want to be a positive voice of recovery. But, I also want to be honest. And, right now these are the honest thoughts and feelings that I am having. On the other hand, I know that they are lies. It is NOT true that bingeing is the only thing in life that can make me feel good. That is a lie that I have believed for the past 5 years. I need to start believing other things. Such as, "There is nothing that can make me feel as good as choosing to live God's way!"- Maybe this shall be my new mantra. What do you think?

I am going to also spend some time challenging the negative thougths I was having last night.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Let's Try This "Digging Deeper" Thing Shall We?!?!

So... I just go home from a great "date night" with Wonderful Boyfriend. He picked me up at about 4:30pm. Then, we headed to church together and then dinner, and then to see the movie The Proposal, which is a great movie in my opinion. It's the second time I have paid over 8.00 to see you know it's good when I am willing to do that (read: I can be a cheap skate when it comes to buying things that I don't really "NEED".). While watching the movie, I found myself thinking about food. I wasn't hungry, because we had just eaten dinner. So, what's the deal? Why was I thinking about food when I was "watching" a great movie and had the love of my life by my side? Let's try to break this down. I was feeling...lonely (because there were a million people in the theater and I wanted to be talking to him since I hadn't seen him in two days and I missed him like crazy the whole entire time.) I was feeling...sad (because I know that the date would end shortly and he would go back to his place since he has to be back to work at 8 am for another 14 hour shift and I won't see him again tomorrow.) I was feeling...scared (because I know, without a doubt, that I want to marry Wonderful Boyfriend, and the movie was about marriage so it triggered thoughts of being married, and I got scared. I started to think, what if this doesn't work out? What if I end up getting hurt in the end because I would be CRUSHED? Then, I started thinking, "I am not pretty enough, Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who isn't so indecisive, Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is prettier, smarter, has a better job, is more positive, doesn't have food issues, doesn't get sad, isn't so "needy", has a better body, is on the same time table as him, etc." On the way home, I was still having many of these thoughts. (Note: I know that Wonderful Boyfriend loves me with all of his heart...not sure where these thoughts come from.) When I got home, and Wonderful Boyfriend had to leave immediately, I was sad and you know what I wanted to guessed it...I wanted to binge. And, I am going to admit, I still want to binge. But, I notice that I don't want to binge right now because I am not hungry and I know I ate all of my meals today. I want to plan for a binge tomorrow. I know that I won't be seeing Wonderful Boyfriend. Although I am going shopping tomorrow morning, I will be alone all night and that's when I want to do it. I want to sit in my room, alone, with the television, and just binge. I know exactly what I want to binge on too. I have thought of when and where I would go get the binge foods. Now all I have to do is NOT DO IT!!!! God, I need you! I need you to help me. Please, take away this strong desire and allow me to rely on your power NOT to binge.

Day One of The Rest of My Life

Good Morning World! I am pretty pumped because in about 9 more hours I will get to see Wonderful Boyfriend. Wonderful Boyfriend has been working since yesterday at 6 am and is still working now, at 8:22 am. And, he will most likey remain working until atleast 11am. Poor Wonderful Boyfriend! Know what else stinks??? He has to be back to work tomorrow at 8am and work until 10pm. Doesn't that break your heart? Maybe not, but it sure does break mine!

So...I woke up today and within minutes I realized that last night I vowed that it would be my "last binge". Then I remembered that, "'s always the 'last bing'. So, no worries, you can do it again whenever you want." A sigh of relief, but then I came to a little more and thought, "NO!!! That WAS the last binge! Not because I can't do it again, because let's face it we can all binge whenever we want to, however much we want to, for as longs as we want to. But, we also ALL have access to power that can help us NOT binge." So, I am staying committed to my promise. I am going to rely on the power that I know God is going to give me to eat healthfully today (side note: by healthfully I mean all things in MODERATION) So, for the first time in a really long time, when I go out with Wonderful Boyfriend tonight, I am NOT going to try to control the food that we eat (Another side note: I am not going to whine, pout, and insist that we go to restaurant x, y, or z) so that I have enough calories "left over" to binge when I get home. Instead, I am going to focus on being "in the moment" (flash back to inpatient terms) and enjoy the night that we have together.

Oh....I found a little something, something that worked great for me last night. I am SURE that it has some fancy schmancy name that psychologists use, but I don't know it so I am going to call it..... Stop, Lift, and Trust. (Nope...not stop, drop, and roll...that's for fires!) I usually just worry and worry and worry, and you know what? I usually don't even notice that I am worrying. Well, last night while I was going to sleep. I felt a lot of tense muscles in my body and some anxiety. I tuned into my thoughts (don't ask me how) and I noticed that I was having all sorts of thoughts such as, "What if I go way over my calories when I stop trying to control what I eat?" "What if I totally screwed up the paper I just wrote and it's nothing like what the professor wanted?" "What if Wonderful Boyfriend wants to eat at the fair and there's only super high calorie foods?" "What if after I eat all of that high calorie stuff (side note: I am ok with eating high calorie foods- but here comes the fear----) I still end up bingeing." That's when I told myself, or rather I told the binge monster and profectionist to STOP!!!! I then lifted up all of the worries to God and I trusted that it will all be ok. Right then, I was calm. Now, I know that the binge monster and profectionist aren't neccessarily going to just go away so easily, but next time they come around, I am going to Stop, Life, and Trust.

Here's to Day One of The Rest of My Binge Free Life!!!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Time for Change

I am entering the world of blogging to document my personal journey toward freedom and into the life I truly believe that God has chosen for me to live. At this very moment, I am making a vow that I am going to put the life of disordered eating behind me. Will it be easy? I am sure that it won't, but I know that the bible says, "With God, all things are possible." So, I am going to claim that verse and ask God to make living a life free of all eating disorders possible.

Here is a little background info to start us off. I am sure I will leave things out, but they will probably come out in later posts worries! In May 2000, I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa- only I didn't believen any of the doctors because I had NO idea what that was and all I was really trying to do was "Be healthy!" After multiple inpatient treatments, I discovered they (the doctors) were right. Although I was in inpatient treatment many times throughout the years, I was never fully recovered. I would make progress in treatment and then bail and get out of there ASAP. At some point along the way, I made the decision that I never wanted to go to inpatient again, so I ate. I have been able to maintain my weight for well over 5 years now, but I have a secret that many people don't know- or atleast it's the elephant in the room that no one ever talks about. I have been bingeing for those 5 years.

With every binge I have, I tell myself that it will be the last one. I tell myself that I just want to do it one more time and fully enjoy it and then I will stop. But clearly, it has never been the last time, despite the promises that it will be. I have known for years that it's not about the food. I know that I have "issues" that must be causing the bingeing. To be honest, it feels like too much effort and feels too scary to figure it out. I mean, what if I can't figure it out? That's a crappy excuse if i've ever heard one....and that's why I am starting this blog.

I am starting it as my personal B.S. (and we all know what that stands for) detector. I am going to use the blog to document my daily progress, challenges, struggles, and celebrations. we go!