Here are some thoughts that I had last night (from my post) and right now, I am going to try out this "challenging our thoughts" technique that I once learned.
1. "What if this doesn't work out?"- It may workout and it may not workout. I cannot control
that and my bingeing will not control that. What I can control is how I cherish the time that I
do have with Wonderful Boyfriend. I can choose to enjoy the time that we have together,
rather than worrying about if it will one day end.
2. "What if I end up getting hurt in the end because I would be CRUSHED?" I would be crushed.
That's true because I love Wonderful Boyfriend so much. God never promised that this life
wouldn't be full of pain and sorrow, but He did promise that it would never be more than we
could bear. And, he also promised to bless us!- Wonderful Boyfriend is a blessing to my life.
3. "I am not pretty enough!" and "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is prettier!"-
Was made in God's image. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. Those who love God can
see the beauty God has created. It is not just an outward beauty, for those things will fade in
time. It is an inward beauty, an expression of God, that will last a lifetime.
4. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who isn't so indecisive."- Wonderful Boyfriend loves
me. Everyone is indecisive sometimes. It takes practice to be decisive and I am practicing
that. Progress- not perfection is what it is all about. With God, it will be easier to make
decisions. The eating disorder keeps you in indecisiveness, because the eating disorder
causes you to panic and choose only what will allow you to engage in eating disorder behavior.
You are at odds with yourself a lot of the time, no wonder it's hard to make decisions. As you
continue to say yes to God and no to the eating disorder, you will be able to make decisions
5. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is smarter."- Yes, there is a lot of things that I
do not know much about, but that is because I have chosen not to learn them. For example, I
do not know how to peform brain surgery. However, I have not spent the past 8 years of my
life studying to be a surgeon. On the other hand, there is a lot of stuff that I do know. I have
the capability to learn anything I want to learn. All I need to do is, take time to study it and
6. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who has a better job."- I have a hard job. Sure,
many people may not think that teaching 15-20 five year olds is hard, but it is. They are co-
dependent and extremely needy. Since I work in an inner city school, when they come to me,
they not only need to learn academics, but I need to teach them social, emotional, and
physical skills as well. In addition to being their teacher, I need to also be their guidance
counselor, nurse, and parent. Sure, I get off 2 and 1/2 months in the summer, but I put in my
time during the year.
7. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is more positive."- Anyone can learn to become
more positive. I am not always negative. I can't pretend I am happy when I am not. I can't
pretend i'm not mad or disappointed when I am. When I am happy, I am happy and I share
that. But, if this is something that I want to change for me...I can.
8. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who doesn't have food issues."- If I think about this,
I would venture to guess that most people in the world have "food issues". I am proud that I
am choosing to work on mine. I know that with the power of God, I can overcome my food
issues. Plus, Wonderful Boyfriend loves me for me, not what I eat!
9. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who doesn't get sad."- I am just going to flat out say
it on this one. That's CRAP-O-LA! Everyone, yes EVERYONE gets sad. And, if they don't
appear to ever get sad, they have to be putting on a front. And, I don't want to be fake. Life is
full of sorrow. Over the past few months, I have had plenty of things to be sad about, like
brother almost dying in a car accident, family threatening suicide, sister saying cruel things
about me when I am in the next room and can hear everything she says, Wonderful Boyfriend
spending 96 hours/week at work. I can be sad! But, I don't have to binge in an attempt to feel
10. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who isn't so "needy".- God designed men and
women to need each other. He designed us for companionship and to need helpers. God
designed us, above all, to need Him. I need God in my life and I enjoy having Wonderful
Boyfriend to be my love, companion, and helper. That's okay!
11. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who has a better body."- I would like to say what
made this and the needing to be prettier comment surface. While at the movies, there were
many young, beautiful girls/women, and I noticed that Wonderful Boyfriend was looking at
them. It made me feel this way.- First, I don't know that Wondeful Boyfriend was looking at
them thinking that he wished he was with them or that I was as pretty as they were.
Perhaps, he was just looking around, like everyone does. What I do know is that I have a body
that God made. It's strong and it helps me live life. I need to take care of this body God has
given to me. I am proud that for the past 2 weeks, I have been strength training, to make my
body even stronger and function the best that it can. I will continue to treat my body to
regular exercise so that it's the best it can be- not for vanity but for health.
12. "Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is on the same time table as him."- Wondeful
Boyfriend knows that I want to marry him. Yes, I would marry him right now. I have been
working for 5 years, I am 28 years old, I know what I want in life, etc. Wonderful Boyfriend
tells me that he wants to marry me, but he JUST started his Residency program. The intern
year, this year (July-July 2010) will be the "worst year of his life" in terms of his career.
Right now, he has to focus on work. It's not that he doesn't want to marry me, or have me in
his future. It's just, he has to focus on work right now.
13. "Bingeing will make me feel so much better."- I'm not going to lie Yes, right at this very
moment, bingeing would make me feel so much better. But, it won't solve anything. It won't
make the thoughts or feelings go away for more than a very short time. When the binge is
over, and my stomach empties, I will feel all of the feelings again and have all of the thoughts.
History has proven this. I need to start trying other methods. For if I don't, I will live the
same life I have been living, one in which I don't know how to deal with thoughts and feelings,
instead I just binge. That's not what God wants!