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Sunday, July 19, 2009

I am going to confess, I WANTED (very, very, very badly) to eat a late breakfast, skip lunch, and have an early afternoon binge. But, I made myself eat breakfast. For a few minutes, I was actually arguing with myself in my mind. Sounds creepy huh? But, let me share. It went a little something like this.
B.M. (Bing Monster)- Good morning KT. It's going to be awesome. Today, you get to BINGE!
KT (Me)- YAY!!!!- Wait a second....I promised the other day, just two days ago in fact, that I wasn't going to binge anymore.
B.M.- Oh yeah! But, two days ago, you wanted to stop bingeing, and now you don't. Now, you want to binge. So, just do it and then you probably won't want to anymore and THEN you can stop bingeing. So, this will def. be the last time.
KT- Right! But, I always say that "this" time will be the last time and it never is.
B.M.- True! But, you have to really want to stop doing it before you can. You can't just force yourself to stop. Isn't that what that intuitive eating stuff says too...honor your hunger....let yourself have what you want to have and do what you want to do????
KT- Well, I don't think that means plan binges. Plus, I read two days ago that honoring God is holy and that means honoring him with my body, mind, and spirit. I KNOW that bingeing is not pleasing to God.
B.M.- So what? It makes you feel better. Who else is going to make you feel better?
KT- I think that I may have to work on being okay with just not feeling great all of the time- instead of always running to bingeing to make me feel "full".
B.M.- whatever! But, remember there's ALWAYS time to binge later today if you want to.
KT- Bingeing is no longer a healthy option for me. There are plenty of healthier options like- calling KM or the other KT, going for a walk, reading a book or magazine, praying, going to the chapel, blogging, crying, watching a movie, journaling, sitting out on the deck, playing a game, catching up on emails, doing grad school work (a distraction, but NOT a fun one), making homemade cards...

So, I admit that part of me still really wants to binge today and I notice that part of me is telling myself, "Fine, fine, fine, don't binge today if you are really trying not to, but you can binge Wednesday b/c Wonderful Boyfriend has to work another crazy shift and it will soothe you then just the same.

I can see that I definiately use bingeing as an attempt to make myself feel better. I use it to make myself feel comforted, full, fulfilled, warm, to forget about being sad, scared, disappointed, anxious, nervous, mad...

To be honest, right now, it feels like there is nothing that will make me feel as good as bingeing does. I know that this is such a downer thing to talk about. I want to be a positive voice of recovery. But, I also want to be honest. And, right now these are the honest thoughts and feelings that I am having. On the other hand, I know that they are lies. It is NOT true that bingeing is the only thing in life that can make me feel good. That is a lie that I have believed for the past 5 years. I need to start believing other things. Such as, "There is nothing that can make me feel as good as choosing to live God's way!"- Maybe this shall be my new mantra. What do you think?

I am going to also spend some time challenging the negative thougths I was having last night.

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