I am going to confess, I WANTED (very, very, very badly) to eat a late breakfast, skip lunch, and have an early afternoon binge. But, I made myself eat breakfast. For a few minutes, I was actually arguing with myself in my mind. Sounds creepy huh? But, let me share. It went a little something like this.
B.M. (Bing Monster)- Good morning KT. It's going to be awesome. Today, you get to BINGE!
KT (Me)- YAY!!!!- Wait a second....I promised the other day, just two days ago in fact, that I wasn't going to binge anymore.
B.M.- Oh yeah! But, two days ago, you wanted to stop bingeing, and now you don't. Now, you want to binge. So, just do it and then you probably won't want to anymore and THEN you can stop bingeing. So, this will def. be the last time.
KT- Right! But, I always say that "this" time will be the last time and it never is.
B.M.- True! But, you have to really want to stop doing it before you can. You can't just force yourself to stop. Isn't that what that intuitive eating stuff says too...honor your hunger....let yourself have what you want to have and do what you want to do????
KT- Well, I don't think that means plan binges. Plus, I read two days ago that honoring God is holy and that means honoring him with my body, mind, and spirit. I KNOW that bingeing is not pleasing to God.
B.M.- So what? It makes you feel better. Who else is going to make you feel better?
KT- I think that I may have to work on being okay with just not feeling great all of the time- instead of always running to bingeing to make me feel "full".
B.M.- whatever! But, remember there's ALWAYS time to binge later today if you want to.
KT- Bingeing is no longer a healthy option for me. There are plenty of healthier options like- calling KM or the other KT, going for a walk, reading a book or magazine, praying, going to the chapel, blogging, crying, watching a movie, journaling, sitting out on the deck, playing a game, catching up on emails, doing grad school work (a distraction, but NOT a fun one), making homemade cards...

So, I admit that part of me still really wants to binge today and I notice that part of me is telling myself, "Fine, fine, fine, don't binge today if you are really trying not to, but you can binge Wednesday b/c Wonderful Boyfriend has to work another crazy shift and it will soothe you then just the same.

I can see that I definiately use bingeing as an attempt to make myself feel better. I use it to make myself feel comforted, full, fulfilled, warm, to forget about being sad, scared, disappointed, anxious, nervous, mad...

To be honest, right now, it feels like there is nothing that will make me feel as good as bingeing does. I know that this is such a downer thing to talk about. I want to be a positive voice of recovery. But, I also want to be honest. And, right now these are the honest thoughts and feelings that I am having. On the other hand, I know that they are lies. It is NOT true that bingeing is the only thing in life that can make me feel good. That is a lie that I have believed for the past 5 years. I need to start believing other things. Such as, "There is nothing that can make me feel as good as choosing to live God's way!"- Maybe this shall be my new mantra. What do you think?

I am going to also spend some time challenging the negative thougths I was having last night.

Let's Try This "Digging Deeper" Thing Shall We?!?!

So... I just go home from a great "date night" with Wonderful Boyfriend. He picked me up at about 4:30pm. Then, we headed to church together and then dinner, and then to see the movie The Proposal, which is a great movie in my opinion. It's the second time I have paid over 8.00 to see it...so you know it's good when I am willing to do that (read: I can be a cheap skate when it comes to buying things that I don't really "NEED".). While watching the movie, I found myself thinking about food. I wasn't hungry, because we had just eaten dinner. So, what's the deal? Why was I thinking about food when I was "watching" a great movie and had the love of my life by my side? Let's try to break this down. I was feeling...lonely (because there were a million people in the theater and I wanted to be talking to him since I hadn't seen him in two days and I missed him like crazy the whole entire time.) I was feeling...sad (because I know that the date would end shortly and he would go back to his place since he has to be back to work at 8 am for another 14 hour shift and I won't see him again tomorrow.) I was feeling...scared (because I know, without a doubt, that I want to marry Wonderful Boyfriend, and the movie was about marriage so it triggered thoughts of being married, and I got scared. I started to think, what if this doesn't work out? What if I end up getting hurt in the end because I would be CRUSHED? Then, I started thinking, "I am not pretty enough, Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who isn't so indecisive, Wonderful Boyfriend deserves someone who is prettier, smarter, has a better job, is more positive, doesn't have food issues, doesn't get sad, isn't so "needy", has a better body, is on the same time table as him, etc." On the way home, I was still having many of these thoughts. (Note: I know that Wonderful Boyfriend loves me with all of his heart...not sure where these thoughts come from.) When I got home, and Wonderful Boyfriend had to leave immediately, I was sad and you know what I wanted to do....you guessed it...I wanted to binge. And, I am going to admit, I still want to binge. But, I notice that I don't want to binge right now because I am not hungry and I know I ate all of my meals today. I want to plan for a binge tomorrow. I know that I won't be seeing Wonderful Boyfriend. Although I am going shopping tomorrow morning, I will be alone all night and that's when I want to do it. I want to sit in my room, alone, with the television, and just binge. I know exactly what I want to binge on too. I have thought of when and where I would go get the binge foods. Now all I have to do is NOT DO IT!!!! God, I need you! I need you to help me. Please, take away this strong desire and allow me to rely on your power NOT to binge.

Time for Change

I am entering the world of blogging to document my personal journey toward freedom and into the life I truly believe that God has chosen for me to live. At this very moment, I am making a vow that I am going to put the life of disordered eating behind me. Will it be easy? I am sure that it won't, but I know that the bible says, "With God, all things are possible." So, I am going to claim that verse and ask God to make living a life free of all eating disorders possible.

Here is a little background info to start us off. I am sure I will leave things out, but they will probably come out in later posts so...no worries! In May 2000, I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa- only I didn't believen any of the doctors because I had NO idea what that was and all I was really trying to do was "Be healthy!" After multiple inpatient treatments, I discovered they (the doctors) were right. Although I was in inpatient treatment many times throughout the years, I was never fully recovered. I would make progress in treatment and then bail and get out of there ASAP. At some point along the way, I made the decision that I never wanted to go to inpatient again, so I ate. I have been able to maintain my weight for well over 5 years now, but I have a secret that many people don't know- or atleast it's the elephant in the room that no one ever talks about. I have been bingeing for those 5 years.

With every binge I have, I tell myself that it will be the last one. I tell myself that I just want to do it one more time and fully enjoy it and then I will stop. But clearly, it has never been the last time, despite the promises that it will be. I have known for years that it's not about the food. I know that I have "issues" that must be causing the bingeing. To be honest, it feels like too much effort and feels too scary to figure it out. I mean, what if I can't figure it out? That's a crappy excuse if i've ever heard one....and that's why I am starting this blog.

I am starting it as my personal B.S. (and we all know what that stands for) detector. I am going to use the blog to document my daily progress, challenges, struggles, and celebrations. So...here we go!